on monday i bought a new macbook pro. the "little" one with the smaller hard drive and 2 gig of ram.

really nice machine. i was sooooo excited when i saw the keyboard back lighting. omg i love that sh1t. it's the little things. i love the aluminum body, just everything. it's wonderful and i can't wait to try Notes 8.5.1 on it.

got it home, ported my data from my old macbook over. on my old macbook (which still works as long as it is plugged in - needs a new battery i guess - for the second time) the data is encrypted with FileVault.

all the data got ported over. i didn't have a fire wire cable around so i used the network cable and it worked fine. or so i thought.

once the data was on the new machine, i tried logging into my account. of course this would be the same account i had on the old machine. i've typed the password about a zillion times, no way i've forgotten it.

so i type it in and it comes back with an error. something about FileVault (don't remember now the wording).

so i google the error and after searching some i finally find what looks like the right set of instructions.

the first thing i have to do is figure out how to enable root level access on the machine. then there were five or six more tasks after that, all looking at least that herculean.

ack.

so, hey i just bought the machine two days ago right? i also bought AppleCare to go with it (don't leave the store without it man, trust me on that one), and i am a ProCare member (don't get me started on ProCare - those f$kers won't even look at your machine without paying for it - a hundred bucks a year!!), and i've bought, let's see now, including this new machine, four Apple laptops, one iMac, and two iPods over the years.

they ought to roll out the red carpet for a customer like me, right?

not so much.

first off, the first tech who looks at the machine says, oh, we'll just change your password and you'll be all set. he wasn't looking at the error. he wasn't actually reading it.

see how i did that? cuz ya know, when there are errors on the screen, i like to, you know, actually read them. i'm curious like that.

then i explain to the tech guy (i'm using the term lightly at this point) how i already looked up the error and told him how the first instruction was to enable root level access on the machine. he looks at me with slight terror, his eyes getting sort of big and wide, pupils dilating (no i'm not making this up or embellishing) and says, ooohhh, it's a File Vault error. we'll have to check it in and have them look at it.

so we do that. and he says someone will call me.

now having tried to call the Apple store one time and having been completely befuddled and denied by their automated telephone system, i realized that this was a "don't call us we'll call you" kind of scenario. but i'm a patient guy. even when it comes to the long awaited MacBook Pro (insert gilded choirs of angels singing hallelujah here - i've really wanted one of these machines for a LONG time), i can be patient with them while someone monkeys around with the significant task of getting FileVault to give up its encrypted ghost. i mean, i figure that is going to take someone with both brains and time some significant effort to come to grips with. right?

so it's been two days and i haven't heard anything. no calls from either confident or frantic tech people. nothing. i'm starting to get nervous. so i go into the store on my lunch break and give them the repair number and they disappear. for a while. i start to realize right then - ah, no one has even looked at it yet.

another tech fellow comes out. he is introduced to me as their "administrator". um, yeah, not sure what that means in the context of an Apple store. but i'm not impressed. by the title anyway. i'm more than willing to be impressed by his technical skills. but he simply says, we are going to have to wipe the drive and charge you 85 dollars.

now wiping the drive doesn't bother me. i can just disable FileVault on the old machine and push the data back over again. no biggie, right? but the 85 dollar charge? THAT i have a problem with.

it isn't MY fault that "Snow Leopard" can't handle the encrypted data. it isn't my fault that their software can't, in this instance, talk to their own software. but the fellow is insistent.

so i start to get surly. he brings out another geek. oh my she looks very smart and very geeky. just the sort of person who can listen to the problem's description and make an intelligent assessment of the situation. right? right?

not so much. she listens to me talk to the fellow. i explain again what happened. by now it is painfully clear than no one on their "technical staff" has even thought to GOOGLE the error message that they clearly do not understand. they don't get it. talking to them is like, well, talking to a deer that has it's eyes caught in the headlights. no one is home. all the fellow can do is to repeat his assertion that because it is a "software problem" (apparently these are magical words that mean "we automatically get to charge money") and they are going to levy their 85 dollar fine. no. matter. what. cuz ya know, i'm so stupid, pushing their bright shiny buttons on their perfect, beautiful screens, and so this means i obviously deserve to pay them for the privilege when the machine locks up tighter than a.. well something that is locked up really tight. uh, davie jones locker? or something?

anyhoo.

now. now............ he's got me steaming mad. this is the kind of mad i just don't really GET any more. i've grown up a lot. honest. but i'm losing it at this point. i say to him, WE ARE DONE HERE. YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE THIS COMPUTER BACK AND YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE ME A FULL REFUND.

and i put the computer down on one of the many large wooden desks that now populate the new fangled store. and we stand there and he and the geeky girl who is supposed to be All That sort of stare at the computer, and stare at me, and finally he picks it up and says, "OK" with a hint of triumph in his voice, as though he's won some sort of argument he was really hoping he WOULD in fact win. or... something. by this time i'm not at all convinced i can accurately predict what he might be thinking, since i'm not entirely sure he IS thinking. i mean i thought i could at least assume if not predict rational customer service. am i crazy?

and so he goes over to the register where they are now going to give me my money back. theoretically.

now at this point i am ready to disavow All Things Apple. For Fucking Forever. all over an 85 dollar charge. but the charge is so unwarranted and unbelievably stupid, and the service has been so painfully slow and so painfully unintelligent. and i expect more from Apple. i'm sorry, shame on me apparently, but i just do expect more from them. because their machines rock. and because they look so nice. and because they cost a lot of money. (that last one is kinda important methinks.)

now i know better.

so i suppose in order to do a refund, he's got to go and get the manager. and she comes out. and she's very nice and she wants very much to help me and figure out my problem. so NOW after all of THAT, i finally have someone who, holy crap, is actually listening to me. i guess threatening to return the merchandise will do that?

she doesn't understand the problem i don't think, she even looks at me with some suspicion, and says that they haven't seen that problem before, and that they have transferred data from some machines that had FileVault installed, but... well, i guess she decides to take my word for it. maybe it's my earnest insistence that i've been wronged. maybe it's that, over and over again, i am able to explain the problem logically. maybe it's that i'm pissed off. really bad, by now. maybe it's that i suggest to her that she can GOOGLE THE ERROR AND SEE THE RESOLUTION ON THEIR OWN F@#$@#$@ING WEB SITE???

who knows what part of my tale (the one i've burned up my entire lunch hour telling to various suspicious, uncaring, and unthinking people, people who think that whenever they smile at me, i'm supposed to just jangle up 85 bucks out of my pocket like a broken one armed bandit), finally gets through to her.

her solution? they'll wipe the data for me without charge. i tell her i've got a ProCare card. cuz i know this is the part where no one looks at my new MBP for days or weeks. she says, oh that's good it would have been 3 to 5 business days before they could have turned it around without ProCare. but since i do in fact have it, they can get it done in 1 to 2 business days instead.

i think to myself, yeah, it's been sitting in the back room without anyone even looking at it for two days. already. right? right? but i'm emotionally spent, i've already totally lost it once, let it go, let it go.

i told this story to a friend of mine at work. he said, thanks for telling me that. i'm never buying Apple.

i love Apple computers. i've watched my daughter do amazing things with her iMac that i know she would not have been able to do with a PC. but god almighty frankenchrist people. Apple really needs to train their people on THINKING PROACTIVELY and on giving good customer service and on LISTENING CAREFULLY and on RESEARCHING THINGS THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

the manager, who was a sweet girl in her way, expected me to thank her. she gave me this look, saying something along the lines of how she had helped me, and it was obvious, albeit unspoken, that she expected me to thank her. i was so worn out at that moment that i did just that. i said "thank you" and walked out.

but what she didn't realize is that she did the absolute MINIMUM to keep me coming back. and i do mean the minimum. she basically came out and did some triage, mostly treating me with respect but here and there lapsing into suspicion or some kind of wariness. and then had the, god what do you call it, temerity? to expect to be thanked for what she did. as though LISTENING INTELLIGENTLY is a SERVICE that goes beyond the call of duty.

but that isn't enough. not by a long shot, when you have already been treated the way i was, after spending close to 1,600 dollars on the machine in question.

i'm disappointed and a bit shocked.

and i'm waiting, i guess for two days, to hear back from them. i fully expect to have to go visit them before they call me, but maybe they'll surprise me. we'll see.